Making progress through my grief

I bet you thought you would not be hearing from me again.  It has been months since I have even thought about writing.  It was a long and difficult winter - in many ways.  The cold and snow were record-breaking... yay!   NOT!!  I got quite sick and tired of hearing about all the records for total snow and cold that were being reached and then broken... who really cares??  But I think Spring is here and just having decent weather has a positive effect on all of us. 

I have been going to Grief Share at my church, which is a grief support group.  The sessions consist of 13 weeks and it is suggested that they be attended more than one time because of the timing; ie: what may not have fit your situation then, may at a later time.  I have found that to be totally true.  Timing seems to be important.  God deals with us about different aspects of grief at different times.  I have felt myself growing in the Lord as I make progress through my grief.  I know that grief will always be there but I am learning to live with it and to get on with my life and to seek out what God's plans are for me. 

I have gotten involved in a couple Bible Studies and I try to have some social time with family and friends, which is a good thing - to get out of the house.  I have had to do some things that kind of surprised me to find out that I know more than I thought I did about what to do.  Arnie taught me well!  I had to get a new dryer, get the oil changed in the truck, had to figure out why the digital thermometer in the house wasn't working one cold morning.  I still have a difficult time going downstairs to the Man Room and I don't even go in Arnie's wood-working shop unless I absolutely have to.  I had to have all 3 vehicles put into my name -  that was difficult. 

Please keep me in your prayers and feel free to get in touch with me.  I would love to hear from you.

Answers to Prayer

It has been a while since I have posted anything.  Thanksgiving is over and Christmas is over -- I never thought in a million years that I would be glad when Christmas was over.  My tree is down and put away, thanks to my daughter and son -in-law, and the rest of the decorations are coming down as I feel like it. 

These days have been difficult - I knew they would be... the first holiday season without Arnie.  We spent 34 years together and you don't just get over all that instantly - nor do I want to!  I appreciate my kids and family, friends, church and neighbors for being there for me. 

I have been thinking a lot today about how we know that God hears and answers our prayers.  It always makes me sad to hear someone say that they don't pray about anything because they feel that God does not hear or answer their prayers.  There are those who believe that if there is no lightning bolt out of the clouds, that God is not answering their prayers.  We have to be quiet before God and watch and listen for what He has for us. 

Even in the midst of sadness or grief or situations we don't like, we really can find something good and positive.  Right now I am looking at being snowed in for the past 2 days and how inconvenient and annoying the snow is, but at the same time, the sky is blue and the snow is a beautiful white as it lays on the ground in formations from the wind and on the tree branches, making unbelievable photo opportunities for those of us who love to shoot pictures of everything.  

The fact that Arnie is gone leaves those of us who love him so much in a state of sadness that at times seems completely overwhelming; but at the same time, we realize that he is in heaven - the place that each of us is striving to attain.  We should find comfort and peace in knowing that.  Philippians 1:21 says..."For to me to live is Christ, and die is gain." 

When we pray, we should find our answers from God in the promises from His Word.  I also believe that answers to prayer come from those who God has allowed to be part of our lives - those who cross our path.  Words printed on a plaque or in a card may be God's way to  communicate with us.  He uses each of us in unique ways.  I feel that in several ways, God has let me know that I need to get on with my life.

I just wanted to share those thoughts.  I know that God is in control and that I am living with my grief and through it.  I am not in denial.  This is difficult - my life has changed forever - I will not be the same, in fact, I am a better person for having had the privilege and honor to be Arnie's wife. 

My granddaughter, Kayla, put these words on Facebook shortly after Arnie passed away.  I find them to be very meaningful...

"The reality is that you grieve forever.  You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it.  You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered.  You will be whole again, but you will never be the same, nor should you be the same; nor would you want to."

Please keep me in your prayers as I try one day at a time, to get on with my life.

The Grief Journey

I have not posted anything here for quite some time.  Just wanted to let you all know that I am still here... having my okay days and my not-so-okay days as well.  Today has been one of those difficult days.  I think it is the holiday season that is making the sadness and loneliness feel so overwhelming. 

I am attending Grief Share support meetings at my church.  We meet every Monday evening for 2 hours.  We see a video and then we discuss the subject matter of the video.   Each week we look into a different phase of grief.  The sessions are all faith-based as we refer to what the Bible has to say about grief and leads us to the scriptures that offer peace and comfort as we all are making this journey through our grief. 

Our "human-ness" is still very real and present, though, as we go through our grief.  It is my daily prayer that God will get me through today --- one day at a time. 

I am asking that you please keep me in your prayers.  I miss Arnie more than I can even express and I will always love him.  He has left an impression in the lives of everyone who knew him.  We are all better people because he was and still is a part of our lives - and we should not deny that, but we should realize that and live with that, even though there is grief and sadness because he is gone. 

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving day - thanks to my wonderful and loving family who gathered at my house so that we could all be together for the Holiday.

Again, I ask that you please keep me and my family in your prayers.  Please let me hear from you - I love reading your comments and / or emails. 

Dealing with grief

I started writing yesterday, but I walked away.  I need to do this, however, to help me to continue to deal with the grief.  Today is 13 weeks since we lost Arnie.  Probably the most significant thing right now is that I will be getting involved with the grief / cancer ministry at our church.   I attended a session the other night and I can see that it is going to be very good and quite helpful. 

The approach of GriefShare is totally faith based.  The only way to get through the grief and get on with life is through the Lord.   I can not imagine how non-believers ever resolve all the feelings that come with loosing a loved one. 

My intention is to honor Arnie as I live my life.  It is hard or even impossible to think that anything even close to "good" can come from the death of someone you love so much, but I feel that if my experiences can help someone else who is going through the grieving process, then that is a good thing and I am sure that Arnie would approve.  That is how we tried to face the cancer journey - being in the position to help others through a similar situation.

Please keep me in your prayers - that I will be able to keep my eyes on Jesus and to gather the strength I need to live my life from Him - also eventually to be able to be helpful to others.

"I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow."
.....Jeremiah 31:13

Please feel free to leave comments or email or text me.  I need to hear from you.

Getting on with life

I have been thinking that maybe I should write something in my blog.  Yesterday was 2 months since we lost Arnie.  Our struggles are still very real which I expect will continue indefinitely.  I find myself finding comfort in prayer and dependence on God to get me through one day at a time.  I have been able to make more positive moves toward getting on with my life.  My daughter and I spend lots of time together which is really a good thing.

We even traveled to PA last weekend to visit with my in-laws and with my brother and sister in law.  That was good, even though my brother lives in Ellwood City PA which is really out there -- in the mountains where the streets through town are unbelievable - up and down and nothing is laid out square.  I grew up in western PA but I forgot about how a lot of those little towns are as far as streets, etc.  Interesting and fun trip though!

I also have become aware that I do not feel the desperate need to visit the cemetery all the time.  I am sure there are those who do and that is fine.  I feel that each of us handles and processes the loss of a loved one differently and one way is not "right" or "wrong".   I find that the memories are at home - everywhere and all around me.  I am aware of the times Arnie and I spent in our home of 17 years now - a home that we built with much thought about how we wanted it to be.  Some of those memories make me cry but that is okay.  I loved him so much and will always love him and miss him.

Please keep me in your prayers and please do feel free to contact me.

God bless each of you and I thank you for your love and concern for me.

Making some progress

I am going to try to do this post from my iPad.  I love this thing -- my kids got it for me for my birthday... bless their hearts!  

I owe so much to each of them for their complete and unconditional love and support they have showered me with these last weeks.  It has been 6 weeks since we lost Arnie... doesn't seem that long but in a way it seems like an eternity.  

Some of my days are okay -- others are not so okay, but these past 2 days, I have actually noticed some definite progress.  I feel the presence of the Lord helping me through.  I find myself, not thinking of Arnie any less, but thinking of him and of the things I have learned from him.  My kids have shared with me how they have often wanted to "tell Dad" something and then they realized that they can't.  But it is good to be able to do a job around the house, or work on a wood project, or do something on the car, and think of him because those are subjects he seemed to know EVERYTHING about.  

I am leaning towards getting more involved with my photography.  That is something we did together - he comes from the era where they used film -- what is that?? We have boxes and boxes of slides -- what are they??  Those slides are actually in some kind of an order which Arnie did in his logical, engineering way!  I have always found photography to be fascinating and I can spend hours photographing and editing, which I love doing. 

My thoughts are to do those things that Arnie would approve of - keeps his memory so alive!  Please keep me in your prayers.  Please feel free to get in touch with me too.  I know that there are those who have not wanted to interfere or have wanted to give me my space and time to process.  I appreciate that, but I think I am at the point now where I need to hear from you.  I can't express strongly enough how blessed I feel to have family and friends who have been there and continue to be right there for me.  Thank you so much and may God bless each of your lives!  

A Journey Remembered

You may be surprised to be hearing from me again, but I think I have decided to keep writing my blog.  I say I "think" because I reserve the right to change my mind!

I started this blog during Arnie's cancer basically for me -- to express my feelings so as to help me be a better caregiver for Arnie.  We traveled that road for a long time.  I am not going to say that the cancer won or that we lost, but that God, who is in total control, decided in His divine wisdom, to take Arnie and end his cancer fight.  Now I am left to continue on a journey where ever God leads me. 

I always appreciated the comments and expressions of love and concern and the prayers from you all who have been reading our story all these months.  My intention at this time is to share with you where God leads me and what I am doing as a result of what I have learned through this experience.  I have always felt that everything happens for a reason and if anything good can come out of this, it would be that I could be a positive influence on someone else who is experiencing the same situation in their life.

These words truly express some of what Arnie meant to his family and friends.....

A Journey Remembered.... As some people journey through life, 

they leave footprints wherever they go -- footprints of kindness and love, 

courage and compassion, humor and inspiration, joy and faith.  

Even when they are gone, 

we can still look back and clearly see the trail they left behind -- 

a trail bright with hope that invites us to follow.

His kids have used the word "hero" to describe him -- so fitting!  I am honored to have been his wife for almost 34 years and I will miss him and love him always.  

Please keep me in your prayers as I need strength and courage to get through each day without Arnie.  Only God can provide that.  

I intend to write updates often.  May God bless each of you !