The Grief Journey

I have not posted anything here for quite some time.  Just wanted to let you all know that I am still here... having my okay days and my not-so-okay days as well.  Today has been one of those difficult days.  I think it is the holiday season that is making the sadness and loneliness feel so overwhelming. 

I am attending Grief Share support meetings at my church.  We meet every Monday evening for 2 hours.  We see a video and then we discuss the subject matter of the video.   Each week we look into a different phase of grief.  The sessions are all faith-based as we refer to what the Bible has to say about grief and leads us to the scriptures that offer peace and comfort as we all are making this journey through our grief. 

Our "human-ness" is still very real and present, though, as we go through our grief.  It is my daily prayer that God will get me through today --- one day at a time. 

I am asking that you please keep me in your prayers.  I miss Arnie more than I can even express and I will always love him.  He has left an impression in the lives of everyone who knew him.  We are all better people because he was and still is a part of our lives - and we should not deny that, but we should realize that and live with that, even though there is grief and sadness because he is gone. 

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving day - thanks to my wonderful and loving family who gathered at my house so that we could all be together for the Holiday.

Again, I ask that you please keep me and my family in your prayers.  Please let me hear from you - I love reading your comments and / or emails. 

Dealing with grief

I started writing yesterday, but I walked away.  I need to do this, however, to help me to continue to deal with the grief.  Today is 13 weeks since we lost Arnie.  Probably the most significant thing right now is that I will be getting involved with the grief / cancer ministry at our church.   I attended a session the other night and I can see that it is going to be very good and quite helpful. 

The approach of GriefShare is totally faith based.  The only way to get through the grief and get on with life is through the Lord.   I can not imagine how non-believers ever resolve all the feelings that come with loosing a loved one. 

My intention is to honor Arnie as I live my life.  It is hard or even impossible to think that anything even close to "good" can come from the death of someone you love so much, but I feel that if my experiences can help someone else who is going through the grieving process, then that is a good thing and I am sure that Arnie would approve.  That is how we tried to face the cancer journey - being in the position to help others through a similar situation.

Please keep me in your prayers - that I will be able to keep my eyes on Jesus and to gather the strength I need to live my life from Him - also eventually to be able to be helpful to others.

"I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow."
.....Jeremiah 31:13

Please feel free to leave comments or email or text me.  I need to hear from you.

Getting on with life

I have been thinking that maybe I should write something in my blog.  Yesterday was 2 months since we lost Arnie.  Our struggles are still very real which I expect will continue indefinitely.  I find myself finding comfort in prayer and dependence on God to get me through one day at a time.  I have been able to make more positive moves toward getting on with my life.  My daughter and I spend lots of time together which is really a good thing.

We even traveled to PA last weekend to visit with my in-laws and with my brother and sister in law.  That was good, even though my brother lives in Ellwood City PA which is really out there -- in the mountains where the streets through town are unbelievable - up and down and nothing is laid out square.  I grew up in western PA but I forgot about how a lot of those little towns are as far as streets, etc.  Interesting and fun trip though!

I also have become aware that I do not feel the desperate need to visit the cemetery all the time.  I am sure there are those who do and that is fine.  I feel that each of us handles and processes the loss of a loved one differently and one way is not "right" or "wrong".   I find that the memories are at home - everywhere and all around me.  I am aware of the times Arnie and I spent in our home of 17 years now - a home that we built with much thought about how we wanted it to be.  Some of those memories make me cry but that is okay.  I loved him so much and will always love him and miss him.

Please keep me in your prayers and please do feel free to contact me.

God bless each of you and I thank you for your love and concern for me.

Making some progress

I am going to try to do this post from my iPad.  I love this thing -- my kids got it for me for my birthday... bless their hearts!  

I owe so much to each of them for their complete and unconditional love and support they have showered me with these last weeks.  It has been 6 weeks since we lost Arnie... doesn't seem that long but in a way it seems like an eternity.  

Some of my days are okay -- others are not so okay, but these past 2 days, I have actually noticed some definite progress.  I feel the presence of the Lord helping me through.  I find myself, not thinking of Arnie any less, but thinking of him and of the things I have learned from him.  My kids have shared with me how they have often wanted to "tell Dad" something and then they realized that they can't.  But it is good to be able to do a job around the house, or work on a wood project, or do something on the car, and think of him because those are subjects he seemed to know EVERYTHING about.  

I am leaning towards getting more involved with my photography.  That is something we did together - he comes from the era where they used film -- what is that?? We have boxes and boxes of slides -- what are they??  Those slides are actually in some kind of an order which Arnie did in his logical, engineering way!  I have always found photography to be fascinating and I can spend hours photographing and editing, which I love doing. 

My thoughts are to do those things that Arnie would approve of - keeps his memory so alive!  Please keep me in your prayers.  Please feel free to get in touch with me too.  I know that there are those who have not wanted to interfere or have wanted to give me my space and time to process.  I appreciate that, but I think I am at the point now where I need to hear from you.  I can't express strongly enough how blessed I feel to have family and friends who have been there and continue to be right there for me.  Thank you so much and may God bless each of your lives!  

A Journey Remembered

You may be surprised to be hearing from me again, but I think I have decided to keep writing my blog.  I say I "think" because I reserve the right to change my mind!

I started this blog during Arnie's cancer basically for me -- to express my feelings so as to help me be a better caregiver for Arnie.  We traveled that road for a long time.  I am not going to say that the cancer won or that we lost, but that God, who is in total control, decided in His divine wisdom, to take Arnie and end his cancer fight.  Now I am left to continue on a journey where ever God leads me. 

I always appreciated the comments and expressions of love and concern and the prayers from you all who have been reading our story all these months.  My intention at this time is to share with you where God leads me and what I am doing as a result of what I have learned through this experience.  I have always felt that everything happens for a reason and if anything good can come out of this, it would be that I could be a positive influence on someone else who is experiencing the same situation in their life.

These words truly express some of what Arnie meant to his family and friends.....

A Journey Remembered.... As some people journey through life, 

they leave footprints wherever they go -- footprints of kindness and love, 

courage and compassion, humor and inspiration, joy and faith.  

Even when they are gone, 

we can still look back and clearly see the trail they left behind -- 

a trail bright with hope that invites us to follow.

His kids have used the word "hero" to describe him -- so fitting!  I am honored to have been his wife for almost 34 years and I will miss him and love him always.  

Please keep me in your prayers as I need strength and courage to get through each day without Arnie.  Only God can provide that.  

I intend to write updates often.  May God bless each of you !

Sad and difficult time

On Saturday, July 6, 2013 at approximately 10:00 PM, my loving and wonderful husband passed away.  He had courageously and valiantly fought cancer for almost 7 years.   It almost seems to me like a bad dream and that I will wake up and everything will be okay, but I know that is not the case.  I do know, however, that everything will eventually be okay because God is still in control.  

Visitation will be at Walker Family Funeral Home, 501 Conant Street, Maumee OH 43537 on Thursday, July 11 from 5pm to 9pm.  Friday, July 12 there will be visitation at Monclova Road Baptist Church from 9am to 11:30am followed by the funeral service. A graveside military service will be conducted at Roth Memorial Cemetery,  Keener Road, Monclova OH  following the funeral service at the church. 

My kids have been with me constantly during this difficult time. We want to thank you for all of your prayers and expressions of concern and compassion for us these past months.  We believe that God has been with us as we traveled this journey and we pray for His continued presence with us as we go through these next difficult and sad days. 

Arnie was my best friend and my husband for almost 34 years.  I will miss him terribly and I will always love him.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

Fluid on the lung...

The most recent PET scan showed an increased amount of fluid around the right lung.  The Oncologist didn’t mention it, although he did say in a previous appointment that if the fluid causes shortness of breath, they could drain it. 

Well, the increased amount of fluid has caused shortness of breath, especially when he climbs stairs.  Earlier this week, we saw our family doctor who ordered x-rays to determine the amount of fluid.  After looking at those x-rays we were given an appointment with the Pulmonologist .

 We had the fluid drained from Arnie’s lung this morning.  They got about 2 liters.  The x-ray then showed that the lung is still partially collapsed but the doctor said it would re-inflate.  Arnie's ability to breathe more fully will also return.  He says at this point, he notes a bit of improvement, but not complete yet – says he can yawn better though.

The doctor will be in touch with us in the next couple of days with lab results of the fluid.  It looked fairly clear – no blood – which is a good thing.  The lab results will be able to determine exactly what caused the fluid build-up.

There are some nodules in the lung from the metastatic disease, which we already knew about, but the amount of fluid there, we were not aware of, which kind of bothers me a lot.  I wonder just why our Oncologist didn’t mention it, since I am sure it showed up on the PET scan, but there was no mention of it.  

I am wondering if we should have had it drained before it caused so much trouble.  In my opinion, this situation is a perfect example of the importance of being on top of what the doctor is doing and being totally aware of treatments and bombard them with questions!!  I thought we had all this covered, but I guess not!

Seems like God continues to test us with these issues that just keep coming at us!  I know, however, that He is in control and that He is with us every step of the way.  

Please continue to keep us in your prayers! 

Current update

Just a quick post to let you know the latest.  

Yesterday we got the results from the latest PET scan.  Cancer appears to be stable.  We had kind of mixed feelings because we felt that the "latest and greatest" chemo would have had more effect on the cancer especially since there are so many side effects to have to deal with - although it is generally felt that side effects really do not indicate the amount of effect any chemo therapy is having on the cancer tumors. 

Dr. Reynolds seemed to be more concerned about the side effects that Arnie is having to deal with than the overall effect on the cancer at this point.  He is taking him off Stivarga and has given him a 6 week break so his body can recover and he can put on some weight.  He has dropped about 10 or 12 pounds that he really should try to put back on. 

Dr. Reynolds has changed the bone health medication to Zometa which is a monthly infusion and when we go back on chemo it will be Erbitux and Irrinotecan. We were on this combination of chemo drugs in 2010 and had a measure of success at that point.  Metastatic colorectal cancer, unlike other cancers, will respond to drugs that were previously used.  

We so appreciate all of your thoughts and comments and especially your prayers for us. Your comments are such a source of encouragement for me, as I have days where I have felt somewhat discouraged. 

Please continue to remember us in your prayers as we definitely feel God's presence with us as we continue onward with this fight. 

May God bless each of you!

Update

Just wanted to give you a quick update and ask for your prayers for us.

As you may know, we had a good report from the biopsy taken a couple weeks ago, which showed no recurrence of cancer in the colon. Arnie had been hospitalized and while there, they took a biopsy because the doctor thought there was cancer again in the colon.  Well, praise God, he was wrong!  There is some inflammation but no cancer in that area.

The metastasized cancer in the ribs is still present and being treated by Stivarga.  We will be having a PET scan done later this week to see the status of the cancer after having been treated with this drug.  Seems like about every side effect is rearing it's ugly head and even in spite of the supplements and the measures taken to minimize the effects, they are there and are very annoying, to say the least.  It is easy to become very disappointed and discouraged at this point.

I would ask you to please remember us in your prayers.  We both need strength and courage as we go on with this journey.  I need to be encouraging and strong for Arnie and there are times that I feel like I fall very short.  We always intend to leave it all with the Lord, but then we turn around and take it back and worry.  

Thanks to each of you for your love and concerns and especially for your prayers!

Progress

I want to update you on our progress.  My last post was less than encouraging, I know, but I was honest about my thoughts and feelings and I felt that I needed to express and share.  I received so much encouragement as a result, which I needed so badly and I am extremely appreciative for all the responses I received!

Yesterday we had an appointment with a Naturapath here in Toledo.  She had been recommended to us by the Naturapath we were seeing at CTCA so we concluded that this was a credible suggestion.  Her name is Dr. White and she is located in West Toledo.  Arnie had talked to her several times on the phone and she told him what information she would need from us so he gathered all that together and off we went to see her.

Two hours later, we left her office - totally impressed and satisfied that she is exactly the same caliber of person we saw at CTCA with the addition of a dietician.  The dietician at CTCA was a separate person who we also talked to often, but Dr. White will fill the capacity of both people we saw at CTCA.

Her approach to cancer treatment seems to reflect the approach that CTCA has - that you treat the entire person who has cancer - not just the disease.  We really questioned her - comparing her answers to what we had gotten from CTCA and we were totally satisfied with her answers and comments.  Those of you who know Arnie, know that he REALLY quizzed her!! She was equal to the task and provided us with good information.

We will return to see her in a week after she goes over our situation, to give us her recommendations.  I feel that the supplements have made such a difference in the quality of life.  We were told that it is much more beneficial for the body to fight the cancer rather than to fight the side effects so we do everything we can to make those side effects minimal and manageable.  It really does make a difference!

Please keep us in your prayers.  I will keep you posted.  Thanks to you again for all your support and encouragement!

Keep us in your prayers!

Have not posted anything here for quite some time so I thought maybe I should write something.  I always intended this blog to be inspirational or encouraging to all who read it - that was sort of my purpose in starting it way back when.  Lately, however, I  can not exhibit that attitude. 

We have been going through a struggle with this new chemo drug and I am feeling the emotional toll, as Arnie is feeling more of the physical.  The side effects seem to be very present which causes us to have to deal with that as well as try to continue on the medication for the cancer. 

I find myself dwelling on the thoughts of back when I lost my brother to lung cancer.  How vividly I remember receiving that phone call from my brother, Pete, on December 24, 2006 telling me that Ed had passed away.  That feeling of loss and grief was so present - that day, which was one of my favorite days because it was Christmas Eve became one of the saddest days of my life. 

We have been on this journey since 2007, with a couple of breaks where Arnie was cancer free.  To say the least, we are weary!  Sometimes I feel that my faith just isn't as strong as it should be - that is on the bad days.  There are "okay" days too, where I feel better- mostly because Arnie is having a better day.  Sometimes I just feel so helpless and I can admit it -- angry! 

We are still going to St. Josephs Mercy in Ann Arbor Michigan.  We have an appointment to see a Naturapath here in Toledo on Friday.  She has been recommended to us by the Naturapath we saw at CTCA.  In fact, CTCA has been in touch with the her and has briefed her on Arnie's condition.  Hopefully she will be able to help with suggestions for easing some of the side effects, etc, that Arnie is facing at this time.

Please keep us in your prayers.  Prayer is a positive and powerful thing.  When people say "all I can do is pray for you", honestly - it is the very best thing anyone can do!  We so appreciate the love and prayers of our family and friends.   God Bless each of you!

A new adventure begins...

We just got back from St. Joseph Mercy in Ann Arbor Michigan after receiving a treatment which is completely different from anything we have had before.  For the foreseeable future, we are done with the typical chemo treatments that are administered via infusion. 

Instead Arnie will be taking a chemo drug via pills and receiving on a monthly basis, an injection called Xgeva, which is for bone health.  This drug has been specifically designed for cancer patients and has shown good success during clinical trials. 

Arnie began taking the oral drug, Stivarga, 2 weeks ago.  Dr. Reynolds prescribed the full dose, which is 4 pills, once daily for 3 weeks, then one week off. After one week on the medication, Arnie began suffering from foot pain, which is a side effect.  This pain became so severe that it became very difficult to walk around.  After one week on the medication, Dr. Reynolds took him off completely for the purpose of determining how quickly he would recover from this foot problem.  It took several days for the effects to clear up.  The other  significant problem was an elevated blood pressure, which needed to be addressed by our family doctor.  He increased one of the blood pressure meds that Arnie was already taking and that seemed to keep the blood pressure readings within reason.

Dr. Reynolds wanted to hear from us after being off the medication for about a week.  We started the medication 2 days ago - 3 pills - instead of 4 -  a day for the remainder of this cycle and then will be off for one week.  So far, the side effects seem to be well controlled. 

We are thinking that perhaps the severity of these effects may have been contributed to by the Avastin and the Xeloda, which is still in Arnie's system.  

So we have turned another corner in our cancer journey. With God's guidance we will continue with faith that all will turn out well. 

Thanks to each of you for your prayers and support.  The journey would be much more difficult without your love and concern.

Please keep us in your prayers and feel free to contact us - love to hear from you!

Continued hope!

Today we traveled to St. Joseph Mercy, Ann Arbor Michigan to get results of the scans done last week and also to see Dr. Reynolds.  The scans showed a little more activity from the cancer in the ribs and the lungs - no cancer anywhere else. 

Because of an increase in side effects and the fact that the cancer has changed, Dr. Reynolds has decided to change treatment.  The new treatment will consist of Regorafenib, which is the drug that was in clinical trials when we started going to Ann Arbor, but was quickly approved by the FDA because of the positive results during phase 3 of the trials.  This drug is in pill form and will be taken for 3 weeks, then off for 7 days before repeating the regime. 

Arnie will also be taking an injection of Xgeva on a monthly basis to treat the cancer in the bones.  He had taken Zometa before, but Dr. Reynolds says Xgeva is a better treatment at this time for bone health. 

There are some details to be worked out with the Insurance company, but we should be able to begin this treatment within the next couple of weeks.   They gave him an infusion of Avastin today and he is completely off  Xeloda because of some really nasty side effects.

Please keep us in your prayers as we venture ahead in this journey.  God has been so good to us!   He has provided for us in every way. 

In a devotional for today, this verse appeared again, as it has before... "For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope." ....Jeremiah 29:11